


A Token of My Love and Affection

by AlliCassandra



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hot Cocoa, Jacob is the Best, Love, Queenie Goldstein Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24155878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlliCassandra/pseuds/AlliCassandra
Summary: What could Jacob do to let Queenie know that he loved her, to reassure her that his refusal to marry her wasn't a lack of love, but out of a desire to protect her?My take on where Queenie got that ring in COG.
Relationships: Queenie Goldstein/Jacob Kowalski
Kudos: 20





	A Token of My Love and Affection

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back guys! I hope you enjoy this fic, I'm **really** proud of it. My next fic should NOT take four months for me to post. 💖

Rain battered against Queenie’s umbrella, a steady drumming as she made her way to Jacob’s apartment. She slightly registered the fact that her case had been rained on because it stuck out a smidge from under her umbrella, this one a frilly pink. Who cared? She just needed to see another human being. Especially one who loved her. 

Down the street a car honked. The car in front of it took it’s time to move, the driver in the vehicle behind it yelling swears. 

_ MOVE, YOU ASSHOLE! For fuck’s sake, people in this city cannot drive.  _ The thoughts of the second driver were so loud, Queenie clamped her hands to her ears.

Queenie waited for both of them to leave, automobiles guzzling smoke that made her cough, before she crossed the street, trying her best to ignore the fact that her heels were so wet that her feet felt frozen solid, which made it hard to move. Neither car had noticed the young woman out in the rain unaccompanied. This just made Queenie lonier, as if she were more unseen because neither driver had cared to stop to ask where she was headed to or where she came from. 

She continued her way down 14th street. Maybe it could have occurred to Queenie to apparate, if Tina’s face wasn’t fixed in her mind, her voice as loud as the thoughts of the angry driver in her mind. Not even the pounding rain kept out the words Tina had said. 

_ “I just don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t just mean prison. I saw the heartbreak in your eyes the first time you said goodbye to him, I remember how I had to pull you away from him… The longer you’re together the harder it will be to end.”  _

Queenie still felt numb, thinking some of the things she had told Tina. She still couldn’t believe that she had replied to her sister with, “ _ you don’t understand I’ve been unhappy for a long time! Jacob is the first man who brings me joy! He thinks I’m clever, he respects me, and thinks I’m talented! Why does that not matter to you? Would you rather I dated a wizard who only wanted my body? Jacob sees  _ me _!” _

Tina had sighed, looking downtrodden.  _ “I just don’t want you to get hurt. You’re my sister. I don’t want you to go to prison.” _

Didn’t want her to be happy, was more like it. She was always helping Tina achieve her goals and her dreams. Why wasn’t Queenie’s dreams worth investing in the same way? 

The same thoughts of sadness and outrage bubbled in Queenie until she arrived at Jacob’s apartment on Rivington Street, unable to stop repeating the conversation over and over in her head. She forced her cold and shivering body up the stairs, shook out her umbrella, and knocked on the door. 

Jacob swung open the door to his apartment, which Queenie knew from his memories was much more roomy than the old one, warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer. 

Jacob had a jolly smile on his face, until he saw Queenie’s water-logged shoes and dripping wet umbrella and coat. His eyes fell on her case, also dripping rain. 

_ What the hell happened? _ Concern wafted off Jacob, drifting it’s way to her mind like normal people would have gotten a whiff of freshly baked bread coming off Jacob. Queenie’s muscles relaxed a little. It was a balm, to be fussed over, a counter to the memory of Tina stiffly leaving the apartment with her case, Paris bound. 

“Teenie has left town.” Queenie sniffed, hating how pathetic she looked in Jacob’s mind. Like a cold rat someone had saved from drowning, shivering and with cold and shaking off water. 

“Come in, sweetheart,” Jacob said, standing aside. He hugged her, not minding the salmon-colored coat getting him wet. “Get those shoes off, hang up your coat and go change. And, uh, leave the umbrella outside.” Queenie nodded and she opened the umbrella so it could dry and left it in the hall. She itched to whip out her wand and put an anti-theft charm on it, but sadly, that wasn’t worth the risk and the umbrella was too wet to leave inside. She kicked off her shoes and left those outside as well. 

After closing the door, she did as Jacob instructed, hanging up her coat. The cinnamon colored dress she wore underneath was mercifully dry, but much thinner than the coat and she found herself rubbed her arms. Jacob had gone to the kitchen. ( _ She’s probably starving, I am going to get some cocoa going. Maybe get us some paczkis)  _ Queenie’s stomach rumbled at Jacob’s thoughts of bringing delicious food.

Queenie dug through her case for a change of clothes, when she headed to the second spare bedroom for privacy, shedding the cinnamon dress for a peach one. It would have been so much easier to simply blow-dry her dress with magic, but unfortunately, doing magic at Jacob’s apartment or the bakery would tip off MACUSA. Queenie kept talking while she changed, trying to keep her voice even, while she smoothed out the peach dress. “The apartment is so lonely and I don’t know what to do without her! And the silence… It feels like a gap where Teenie should be. I just wish the two of us could get married. It’s so hard, having to keep our relationship hidden from the world, knowing you could be ripped from me at any second, and now to have Teen, gone—” Tears began to pool from her eyes, mixing with rainwater on her cheeks. “I feel like I have no one.”  
Jacob was quick to abandon the making of hot cocoa come to the bedroom to comfort Queenie.

“Hey, hey,” Jacob leaned forward and cupped her jaw in his hands. Her thundering pulse returned to normal a bit, tamed at Jacob’s touch, making her feel safer. “I wish that we could get married too. This hurts me, too, you know? You bein’ so close and yet so far away. But we gotta wait for me to pay off my loan. We can’t start a new life together if I can’t pay off my loan and we got people after us ‘cause I didn’t pay. That’s no life for my new wife, any children we would have. We’ll leave the country once the loan is paid off, Queen.” His voice had a  _ and that’s final _ tone to it.

He patted her on the shoulder and went back to the food. Queenie followed him outside and watched him stir the chocolate and sugar in a saucepan of hot water for another minute while she tried to pull herself together. As he put on milk to boil and eventually mixed the two, she tried to give herself a pep talk, to toughen up. Once he was done mixing the drinks, he carried a small tray filled with paczkis and hot cocoa over the loveseat which sat near Jacob’s radio, which played something soft and jazzy. Queenie turned it on before she walked over to join Jacob on the low backed red sofa, leaning into the rolled arm a little in her stress. 

Although the tray sat on a coffee table, Queenie couldn’t help but feel worried about getting food on the sofa. She knew Jacob wasn’t the type to mind, but she hated the thought of spoiling this new couch. Her and Tina’s furniture was old and she hated the idea of Jacob having to spend money on a new couch. Well, a second new couch. Jacob was ashamed to admit out loud that he hadn’t even been able to have a couch in his old place, it had been so cramped. Queenie didn’t find this anything to hold against Jacob, it wasn’t like she and Tina… Well, now just she... could afford new furniture, anyway. Everything they had had once belonged to their parents. 

While Jacob handed Queenie her cocoa and bit into his pastry( _ Giving you some time to think about what you wanna say, doll) _ , Queenie tried to think of the perfect argument, to say things the right way so that Jacob would understand that they didn’t have to wait to marry. Queenie had been thinking about it, even before Tina had left and  _ she _ had unhelpfully insisted that the whole relationship was impossible. 

“I can take care of the bank with magic,” Queenie began slowly. “I can just Confund them all—” She hated how her voice pleaded with him, how it still sounded like she was about to cry. Maybe it was the tears Queenie feared were going to break loose again, but she couldn’t make sense of the pained expression on Jacob’s face… She could, though, hear his thoughts. 

_ I hate to see her like this. Immigrating though… We just can’t.  _ She saw flashes in his mind of his grandparents, struggling to bring home enough money after arriving in America and here there were no protests over layoffs like there had been in Poland, no factory workers being put down by the Russian police who had occupied Poland, though life had still been a struggle in the new world. Memories of Europe in the war bleed into his mind, how poor it was after the war of the previous decade: Moving would mean strife. 

Yet then another image twisted into Jacob’s mind: It was her, Queenie, alone in a cell, thin, hair mangled, makeup-less, and head hung, beaten down. 

Jacob ran a hand down his face. “And leave the state with you a criminal? You’d make an enemy out of MACUSA, bewitching a bunch of bankers.” She could feel his worry, his anxiety, but she couldn’t tell if it was about moving or her going to jail. 

“I don’t mind being in danger! Or we could just live together--” She gestured to her case by the door, indicating she wouldn’t have to move a whole lot. “An’ I could sell everything in my apartment, we would have a bit of money. MACUSA would never know.”

“Queen, that’s not done, and you know it. And what if MACUSA found out?”  _ We can’t live together before we’re married, anyway. That’s shameful. What would people say about her? _

“I don’t care about what anyone thinks of me but you!” Queenie sighed. “I don’t want to come home to that apartment, all alone, for years while you pay off the bakery! Can’t we just get married anyway, the no-maj priest at your church can marry us, we can be careful, make sure MACUSA doesn’t find out, get married just in the no-maj world-” Aware her hands were clasped together like she was pleading, she reached for her cocoa and took a sip. The warm drink was like a healing elixir in some ways. For just a moment, it’s warmth made her feel safe and protected. She put the drink down.

“I can’t just put you in danger, Queenie. Marrying you as if the law weren’t a threat. That would be selfish, to marry you just so I could be happy―”

“So that  _ we _ could be happy!”

“It would be selfish to put you in danger. How could I marry you, and endanger you? I would be an awful husband!”

How could that be both romantic and  _ so  _ annoying at the same time? To avoid having to answer right away, she eyed a book lying next to the tray where Jacob had sat their cocoa.  _ Judaism for Beginners _ . She picked it up and flipped to the back, curious when Jacob had signed it out. It was two weeks overdue, and judging by the bookmark, Jacob was only halfway done. 

Jacob blushed. “I’m a slow reader, ‘cause of work. But you know I try.”

“Aw,” Queenie said, rubbing the spine. “You already know more about my culture than I do. I can’t even remember celebratin’ Hannukah or Purim. I was too young when my parents died.” 

Jacob cracked a smile and it was nice to have a moment of relief from the tension. “Just wanted to learn a bit more about the different worlds we come from, that’s all.” 

Queenie made a mental note next time she was at the library to check out a book on Poland. 

Her mind drifted back to what Jacob had said about marrying her putting her in danger. She bravely moved away from the comforting conversation of Jacob trying to learn more about her heritage, the smiles and laughter, back to the danger zone. 

“If I’m okay with being in danger, then that makes it all right.” After all, this was her choice to make. If she wanted to risk prison and felt like the relationship was worth it, wasn’t that all that mattered?

“Not true. How selfish would I be, to take advantage of my gal while she’s missing her sister, so I can have what I want?” He leaned forward to stroke her hair. Queenie found herself relaxing into Jacob’s touch, leaning into it. It was very soothing. He broke off a bit of paczki, and gently placed it into her mouth. Queenie smiled and chewed while he finished talking. “I can’t do that to you, baby. We can’t marry right now, You’ll understand that when you are in your right mind.”

Queenie drew back, and scoffed, swallowing the bit of pastry, feeling as though Jacob had just thrown cold water on her. Maybe not letting the conversation die right there when they’d been talking about Jacob’s overdue book had been a bad idea, because in a few moments, she’d gone from feeling charmed to a little hurt. She felt 14 again, turning around and telling a boy who was fantasizing about her in his mind to stop.  _ “Shut up, Charlie Coleman! You’re a nasty boy!” _

She could still hear the professor’s voice, and worse, her thoughts  _ Is Miss. Goldstein all right? Who yells at someone who is being completely quiet? Is she… Disturbed? _

Tina had always told to keep her powers quiet, so she had never corrected the teachers, and their whispers that the younger Goldstein, who had trouble focusing in class and who talked, and sometimes yelled at nothing, was crazy.

“Right mind? Are you sayin’ I’ve gone nuts!?” Her voice rose, because sometimes she worried that her teachers might have been on to something, just a little. She thought back to however she felt when she was in a large crowd of people. The headaches. The voices of often over twenty or fifty people all assaulting her mind at once. What if one day, all of the voices broke something in her mind? 

How could Jacob say that? She turned to pull away but Jacob, grabbed her shoulder. She gave him a steely look for a moment, but then calmed down, the storm in her eyes and her mind quieting at the look of love on his face. He rubbed her shoulder and it was a relaxing gesture, she found her muscles loosen, felt less like a stray cat about to hiss and run away. 

“I do not think you’re  _ mad _ , Queen. I just think you are hurting, and so desperate to  _ not  _ be hurting, you are being reckless—”

Reckless? How was wanting to be happy, to be loved, reckless? 

“I am not being reckless! Wanting to have a family isn’t reckless!” Her voice rose several octaves. 

“You are! You are willing to risk throwing your life away, to cover a void in your life!” The words were coming out right as Jacob was thinking them. She still didn’t understand his facial expression. Was it worry? Anger? Frustration with her? Something else? 

Queenie froze. She did not want to admit it, but she both loved him and was furious over the fact that he had seen into her so fast, had seen the real reason she wanted to be married: The idea of being alone, completely alone, scared her to death. Her parents were long gone, and now, so was Tina.

“I get that you are worried about being alone for the first time, and I know that our relationship is in a fragile place because it’s illegal, but—” 

Queenie sighed. She was getting tired of what he had to say. He didn’t understand. This relationship wasn’t illegal for  _ him _ . It didn’t help that she couldn’t fully make sense of his emotions. Were all those excuses, just fears to immigrate? She had seen in his mind how hard it had been for his grandparents to move over in a new land, how they had left a revolution in Poland behind. Maybe Jacob was just too afraid to take such an important risk. Maybe life was just too comfortable right here, with his nice bakery, dream girlfriend, and warm clean apartment. 

Suddenly she was speaking, and she wasn’t bothering to censor what came out of her mouth at all. 

“Maybe what is going on is I am the more committed one here. I am the one taking all the risks, coming up with all the ideas for us to find a way to be together. You have  _ nothing _ to lose! I am risking everything here!” She let her hands raise and fall in frustration. “Why am I always the more committed one? I spend  _ years _ supporting Teenie and her dream to be an Auror and she couldn’t be bothered to help me when I needed her, and I take all the risks in this relationship to figure out how we can be together, and you just won’t do the same—” She took a deep breath. Tears began to leak out of her eyes. 

“I, uh, I think I’d like to be alone,” Queenie said, swallowing. She let out a small sob, and fled to Jacob’s guest room. 

#

Queenie’s face as she turned and fled into his guest room haunted him. Why didn’t she believe he wanted nothing more than to make her the happiest girl in the world? And part of that was making sure that she did not put herself in danger, because she was so afraid of being alone that she was making bad choices? Or wanted to make them, if he would let her. Bewitching the men at the bank? She would be in so much trouble with MACUSA. He trembled at the thought.

What frustrated him was not feeling like he was able to fix it, to make her happy. How could he fix it? It was her sister. He’d felt terrible after his brother, Matthew, had died. For ages, nothing no one had said had made him feel better. If Tina never came back, even if Queenie did not eventually resent him for being the reason she lost her sister, would she ever be the same? He worried that marriage would not fix the ache for a family that she longed for, with Tina gone, this new hole. He was not her sister. Queenie was devoted to her. Not that she didn’t love him more than anything else in the world, but Queenie had  _ always _ had Tina. 

Sighing, Jacob left the apartment after leaving the remaining pastries and what was felt of her cocoa in front of Queenie’s door, deciding that he would go for a walk. Maybe browsing the shops for a bit would help him to relax or think of an idea of how to make Queenie feel better. At the very least, she might calm down a little after she’d had some space. 

Walking, of course, did not immediately make Jacob feel better. He saw shops that Queenie had taken him too, early in their relationship. She had helped him get a whole new wardrobe, spiffy expensive new suits he could have never picked out himself. And when they had discovered a suit that wouldn’t fit him because of his size, Queenie had committed the fabric to memory, kissed him on the cheek, and made him a suit exactly like the one he had wanted, in his size. 

He tried not to let out a wistful sigh, stopping in front of the shop. Remembering the feel of Queenie’s lips on his cheek. Just being in front of stores without Queenie felt wrong. She would love to go shopping! He could almost feel her tugging on his hand, eager to go into shops she could never afford to buy from. (But he could, and he was absolutely going to buy her her own dress for her birthday next year, so she could have something new instead of a dress she made herself. Not that she wasn’t good at it, but he loved imagining the way her face would light up at a dress like the lavender one in the window, knee length, a hip-length belt, and a matching cloche hat. This caused him to chuckle, just a bit. He hadn’t known anything about fashion until he had met Queenie and now he knew more than he had ever pictured. Still, it was useful knowledge, when picking your girl out a nice dress. 

Eventually, thinking of Queenie and her smile, her laughter, how happy the dress would make her made him sad, so he moved on, feeling a little dejected as he remembered how Queenie had sobbed as she had left the room. Did she really think he wasn’t as committed as her to this relationship? That he wouldn’t lay down his life for her if asked? 

_ Why did you have to leave Tina, damn it!  _

True, things had been tense before Tina had left. Queenie had often been in tears, talking about how Tina loved her job more than her, that she was picking an old outdated law, over her sister. 

Jacob had offered for them to end things, if it would improve the situation with Tina and that made Queenie more distraught. Still, he had lost his brother, and he would love to have him back. If losing Queenie meant that Queenie could have her sister back, he would have made that sacrifice. But Queenie wouldn’t hear of it. “How can I have a life without you in it? Don’t worry about me an’ Teenie, sweetheart, we’ll work things out.” A sweet smile. 

Regardless of if things didn’t work out, what could he do to convince Queenie that he loved her, that his refusal to marry her wasn’t a lack of love, but because he loved her? If he had a choice, he would marry Queenie Goldstein in a second. But there was no choice. 

As he passed a jewelry store, a glint caught Jacob’s eye. He smiled, remembering how Newt and the niffler had once destroyed a jewelry store. Ah, he missed Newt! 

It was a shame he couldn’t write to Newt, he still thought of him as his best friend. But what if MACUSA checked the post headed to wizarding Europe? Contacting Newt wasn’t worth risking getting Queenie into trouble. He could sacrifice his best friend, for Queenie’s safety. This would pass, he believed it with his full heart. 

Jacob paused and turned to take a closer look at the glint of metal he had seen, still thinking of Newt and the niffler and trying hard not to smile despite his situation. Examining the ring, it was a golden in color, simple yet elegant, a kind of twisting design on it. Queenie would look gorgeous in it. He tried not to laugh. Everything seemed to come back to Queenie, somehow. He would marry her someday, things would work out. 

And that gave Jacob an idea. 

#

It had taken a few moments of trying to collect her breath before Queenie had finally pulled herself off the bed in Jacob’s guest bedroom. Making her way over to a pitcher of water, Queenie scrubbed the rest of the makeup off her face. Then she opened her suitcase and changed into a fresh dress. Ready to relax she headed back over to the section of the apartment that contained the sitting room and started on working on knitting a hat for Jacob. 

The thing was, as Queenie sat there working on her knitting, she felt guilty about what she had said to Jacob. How many times had she felt sheer love and adoration radiating off that man when they were in the same room together? 

She wished that some space could put an end to those thoughts, those fears, but she still remembered the feelings of anxiety Jacob had felt upon remembering his grandfather when they had first came to this country, how his grandfather had slaved in a factory not unlike the one Jacob had worked in. 

How could she trust for sure that it wasn’t just that he wanted to protect her from prison, but that he just didn’t want to give up a nice life in New York, didn’t want to start over when things had finally started to go well for him? It was so hard to tell, there were so many emotions all mixed up at once and it wasn’t like she could read his face. 

A knock at the door. Queenie automatically found herself panicking. Had her worst fear finally happened? Was it MASUSA? Was the jig finally up? Queenie swiftly grabbed her wand and approached the door slowly. 

“Queen, it’s me, baby.” 

Queenie felt a rush of relief and guilt and tucked her wand into her apron pocket and hurried to open the door for Jacob. She swung it open, feeling both delighted to see him, and somewhat ashamed of the things she had said. Maybe she had gone too far, maybe--

“Hiya, sweetheart,” he leaned into to kiss her on the cheek, mind flooding with relief to see that she looked much better than when he had left. He handed her a bouquet of daisies. 

Queenie felt the joy seep out of her. She felt beet red and clammy with shame. How could she accept such a nice gift, after what she had said to the love of her life? 

“I’m so sorry, honey. I…” But she found she couldn’t finish the sentence. Because she had  _ meant _ a lot of what she had said, hadn’t she? And here was Jacob, being super sweet! She clasped her hands. “Ah, maybe I been ridiculous, questionin’ your love! I… Maybe I’m just paranoid with Teenie leaving, I dunno…”  _ Or maybe you really do doubt he would leave his sweet comfortable world for you? He loves you, but not enough to be brave. He is being a-- _

The idea of calling her Jacob, a war hero, a coward out loud was too terrible of a thought to finish. She stuffed it away. A good thing Jacob couldn’t read minds. 

“I’m sorry,” she forced the words out. She meant that, at least. Even if she had meant what she had said, she was sorry she had voiced it out loud. 

“I know, I know,” Jacob said, waving her words away like it was nothing. She couldn’t believe this man, she didn’t see a trace of anger in his mind. Was this unconditional love? To be loved, no matter how stupidly she blew up? 

“Still… I don’t deserve ya,” Queenie said, as Jacob dug into his pocket and pulled out a ring box. 

Then she gasped as Jacob opened the box, to reveal a golden ring, with a twisting design on it. 

“What is this?” Queenie said, still gaping it at. She read his mind— “A promise ring?” What did this mean? She tried to open her mouth to ask more questions, but nothing came out. 

“Ah, hold your horses and let me explain,” Jacob said, reading the confused and a little hurt look on her face. “Queenie, I love you so much. You… You mean everything to me. I think about losing you, and it feels like the whole world would stop. I do wanna to marry you, someday. Have about five or six girls who take after their mama.” Jacob gave a long sigh. There was such a lost and sad look on his face in that moment, he looked like one of the stray dogs that sometimes hung around her and Tina’s apartment. He looked impossibly lonely, like he was the last person left in the world. Queenie reached up, to put a hand on his cheek as Jacob continued. “But I can’t see any way to make that happen just now—” Queenie broke him off, kissing him. 

Were her doubts gone that Jacob wasn't willing to leave behind his booming self-owned business and spacious apartment? No. But in this moment she at least knew Jacob loved her, wanted her. He wasn't leaving like Tina had. As they broke apart, she was so moved, tears swelled in her eyes.

"Oh, baby don't cry…" Jacob wrapped her in a hug. Snug, she cuddled into his shoulder, tears still leaking down.

_ This was supposed to make her smile, to erase her doubts that I don't want to be with her… How have I gone wrong now? _

"Oh you ain't gone wrong at all!!" Queenie said, sniffing. "I just love you so much and… this was exactly what I needed, to know we're in this together!" Shs flung her arms around his neck, and then placed her hands on his checks and kissed him again. 

But what felt better than the warmth, soft, gentle pressure of the kiss, was feeling the relief coming from Jacob’s mind. He was glad she understood how much he wanted to be with her, even if moving wasn’t possible right now. 

_ It could be if you trusted me,  _ Queenie thought. _ Trusted what I could do to get us out of this. Stopped being so  _ afraid  _ of moving.  _

Queenie banished the thought. Yes, maybe Jacob was too afraid to leave America behind and start over somewhere new in a foreign country. Maybe he couldn’t admit it yet, even to himself. But… It was hard to still be frustrated, when her eyes locked on the ring, as Jacob now slid it onto her finger. When she looked at the ring, nothing but joy radiated through her entire being. 

“This ring is a promise, Queen. That one day I will marry you. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a year. Maybe in five…”  _ If I can pay off the loan by then _ . “I don’t know. But I hope so. Believe in it. Believe in our future, like I do.”

“I do.” She was going to cry again. She loved Jacob so much. No other man was as perfect. 

Jacob leaned his forwards against hers, and a hand strayed to her neck. Cherishing the moment, committing it to memory. Queenie allowed herself to relax. To cherish the feel of the cold metal that meant Jacob truly wanted to marry her someday. 

This moment was enough. For today. 


End file.
